Yuna's Journal and Stories

And maybe even fan fictions

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Part One

WonTeuk: Forgive and Forget

WonTeuk: Forgive and Forget pt. 1

Leeteuk sprawled lazily on the sofa of the Super Junior household, the first of two that is. His legs were draped over the right arm of the one man seat, well, two man if you squeezed in tight enough. In his left hand, the remote that controlled the large television in the lounge section of the house. In his right, an herbal tea mixed with honey and cinnamon. It was the night before a rather large performance in their country’s heart, Seoul, his nerves were rendering him sleepless. He knew the exact reason as to why he was so anxious; earlier in the day he had lost his voice hence the herbal tea in his hands. But…that wasn’t exactly the single reason why he was on edge. A completely different story.

As the leader of Super Junior, Leeteuk received frequent updates on the other group members whether it be over: text, e-mail, phone call, letter, or even other media methods. Like, for example, earlier today; Yesung sent him a photo text of him at a shopping mall and Ryeowook gave him a phone call saying he would be a little late for the mic check today before the performance tomorrow.
He hadn’t heard from Siwon. In fact, he hadn’t heard anything about the man for three weeks. His hyung lived in the second housing building, just next door to him, along with: Zhou Mi, Heechul, Hangeng, Ryeowook, Eunhyuk and Donghae. Siwon would show up to every single one of Super Junior’s scheduled shows, photoshoots, whatever, but before the leader could catch him after the shows, Siwon had already arranged someone to pick him up to bring him back to the house which wasn’t like Siwon.
At all.
Leeteuk checked his phone, the small chance that maybe he missed a text from Siwon giving him hope shutting the flip phone in frustration when he realized his hopes were in vain. No notifications. Huffing, he clicked the power button on the remote to turn off the television standing up to begin proceeding to his room.
“Yah! Hyung I was watching that!” Kangin’s impatient voice barked from another room. Leeteuk looked up to see the man sitting in the kitchen on a barstool accompanied by Kibum, Kyuhyun and Sungmin all who stared at him with an accusatory eye except Sungmin who seemed amused.

“Sorry” Leeteuk’s hoarse voice apologized, quickly turning the T.V. back on before setting the remote down on the side table with a clatter. He walked up the three steps that connected the elegant white kitchen into the round lounge room; much like, according to sweet little Sungmin, the setup of the Teen Titan’s first floor lounge. Kibum stopped sipping his water as Leeteuk approached the relaxing group of artists.

“Leeteuk, you do not sound too good…are you alright?”

“Fine.” Leeteuk rasped, leaning against the dining table. Then, the fatherly leader role kicked in. “Looks like Shindong, Yesung, and Henry are the only ones who listened when I told everyone to go to sleep.” Leeteuk murmured, sipping his tea though the undertones were very serious.

“You are not asleep though hyung-,” Kyuhyun grinned, wrapping his arms around Sungmin, resting his chin on the crown of the man’s head. Leeteuk’s eyes flashed open, lips still pressed to the mug’s rim.

“I cannot sleep…too much on my mind.” He muttered, breaking eye contact with the youngest boy.

“Do not be so indirect oppa, what is wrong?” Kangin asked, resting his back and upper arms on the half-wall, swaying back and forth in the barstool like a child.

“Yah Leeteuk-hyung! You can always talk to us,” Kibum added with his handsome grin.

“It has been over five years since we have been together as a group. You can trust us ne?” Kyuhyun grinned, playing with Sungmin’s cross earrings. Leeteuk continued to avoid making eye contact with the others, due to his excessive pride, the blood careening to his face. He wanted to avoid letting the others know what was truly going on. What was going on between he and Choi Siwon.

“H-Have any of you hear from Siwon?” the leader suddenly blurted out, hoping his worry would not give him away. The others blinked a few times, sharing confused glances as though they felt Leeteuk was avoiding a true issue, which in all reality he was. Luckily, for him, no one suspected anything much less did they suspect anything about affections.

“That is it? So- now you are worrying about Siwon’s eating, sleeping, and activity schedule?” Kangin asked before eliciting a loud laugh. “This leader thing is going to your head hyung!” Kibum flashed an annoyed look at Kangin as he stood to get more water.

“Kangin, he has every right to worry,” Kibum retorted, “as leader, Leeteuk has a lot to deal with. He is responsible for making sure everyone is on time for everything, plus he asked us all to update him as much as possible. Is that not correct?”

“I know I would be worried. As far as I know, not many of the members have heard much from Siwon lately,” Sungmin piped in, nuzzling his cheek into Kyuhyun’s hand as the other male tried once more to play with his earrings.

“Wonder what is eating him,” Kangin grunted.

“Yah. At our album shoot the other day he seemed distracted and anxious to leave.” Sungmin crooned. Kibum smiled, walking over with a pitcher of water placing his full glass down.

“Can you blame him? He was in neon shorts without a shirt and jacket. You would want to leave too!” he laughed. Leeteuk had to place a hand over his eyes as a red blush took over his cheeks. Kibum offered him some water to which the leader curtly nodded without removing his palm from over his eyes. Kibum sat back down.

“No! It was not a normal anxiety, he looked focused like…like there was something he had do to. Something urgent or a detailed plan he was running over in his head or something.” Sungmin responded as though trying to plead a case in a court system.

“I’m sure it was just your wild imagination ‘Minnie-ah.”

“Kyu’ it was not my imagination!” he hissed, ripping away as Kyuhyun tussled his black hair as one would do to a child.

“He is not lying Kyuhyun. I thought I saw the same thing, I just did not want to voice it.” The members all turned around to see a half awake Henry Lau, his hair ruffled and his eyelids heavy almost drooping over his irises. “No one in the other house has heard from Choi all week” he mumbled in a groggy manner.

“What are you doing awake?” Kibum questioned, sipping his water.

“Well, if Kangin were not so damn loud when his t.v. time was interrupted, I would not be awake at all.” Little Henry growled, stumbling towards the refrigerator.

“What do you mean no one has heard from Siwon?” Leeteuk interrupted, voice occasionally fading. His stomach dropped as crazy random thoughts began to eat at him.
What if Choi was ill?
…What if he was running off to see someone else?
What if he was cheating!?
Leeteuk panicked, waiting for the violinist to answer

“I talked to Zhou Mi last night over the phone; he says in the other building they do not hear or see much of Siwon anymore. They only see him when he leaves his room for food, water, a break, basic needs or for scheduled programs. Zhou says most days, he stays locked in his room working on something. He will not tell anyone what it is.” Henry answered, still searching for a bite to eat.

“So, you and Zhou Mi huh?” Kangin grinned, earning him an annoyed smack on the leg from Kibum. Henry said nothing; he only blushed and kept his face hidden in the ‘fridge until it went away.

“Well, whatever the case,” Kyuhyun began, standing from his chair “you will see him tomorrow before the concert right?” The other members also began to stand, realizing how late it was and slowly making their way towards the hall connected to the kitchen and the lounge.

“Why do you not talk to him tomorrow and establish some rules?” Sungmin suggested, hopping onto Kyuhyun’s back as he offered a piggyback ride
“Yah. He has to listen to you. You are the leader” Henry nodded, walking with the others to their individual bedrooms. Kibum was the last one there with Leeteuk, placing the pitcher of water back into the fridge. He glanced over the counter, the silence making him uneasy.
“Hey. You comin’?” he asked, kindness and concern in his voice.

“I’ll go to bed soon, thank you Kibum.”

“Just, do not lose sleep over it hyung.” The boy grinned, making his way to his own room. Leeteuk sat there silently for several minutes finally pulling out his phone. He dialed Siwon’s number, patiently waiting, again receiving no answer. Angry, he slammed the phone shut with a sigh.

“Choi Siwon…you have a lot to explain.” He growled as he stormed to his room. He slipped into bed, hoping that sleep would ease his fears and anxieties.
 ~~ * Su Ju * ~~

Park Jung Su awoke as his phone screamed their hit song ‘Super Girl’ into his ears, mumbling indistinguishable words as he reached out an exhausted arm to silence the alarm. His eyes cracked open; an immediate sensation of illness took siege of his body. Weakly, he sat up struggling to stand before making his way into the kitchen while a thick cough racked his body. Yesung, the earliest to rise, stared wide eyed  at the leader- mid bite into his apple. Leeteuk collapsed onto one of the barstools, slamming his arms and head  onto the countertop. His breathing was uneven and ragged in sound. Yesung walked towards his leader, removing the hair from Leeteuk’s forehead. He put his cheek against the skin.

“Jung-su oppa, what happened to you?” he inquired, eyes still wide. Leeteuk cleared his throat of the thick mucus, looking at his friend.
“I told you to call me Leeteuk, Yesung,” he answered flatly, making a mental note to compliment the other on his new glasses. Yesung looked at him sternly. “I do not know;  it started last night when I lost my voice~” Leeteuk choked out, shivering.

“Well you cannot perform like this.” Yesung murmured, pouring  the leader some tea. He prepared it as he knew Leeteuk  liked.
“No. I have to, manager will freak out if I cannot perform for our capital.” He muttered, nodding a ‘thank you’ as Yesung  handed him the tea.
“Eat this”
“Apples and lemons will help to clear your vocal chords,” the young black haired man demanded. “Leeteuk, you are only human. I am sure manager would understand. Plus, there are many cases where famous artists were too ill to perform”

Leeteuk looked down. He knew Yesung had no idea  what was going on, and if he pushed this too far he would risk trouble and weakness.
“What do I do?” he asked his black haired aid the tone of his voice miserable.

“I will talk to Lee Seunghwan, I will make him understand. Other than when you were in the car accident, you have not missed anything this crucial. You need a break, your body is telling you so.”

“But does anybody know all of my singing parts?” he asked groggily.

“Well, I do. So does Siwon. Write him a note asking him and I will bring it to him later.
Of all people.
Leeteuk groaned, placing his face back into his arms on the countertop.
“But Yesung…”
“Another thing, do not talk. It will only further strain your voice and cause you to have a longer healing period” the younger added.
“Yesung I-,”

“Stop it!” Yesung ordered, placing his pointer finger over his own lips as if to shush the elder. Quickly, he ran into the lounge and grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. He romped back into the kitchen and placed the pen and paper by his leader, his earrings jingling loudly. “Talk like this.” Leeteuk frowned but picked up the pen. “I have to start getting ready. Seunghwan-ssi wants us to be there early. I will call him while I am getting ready and as I am doing so, I want you to write your letter to Siwon. Understood?” he asked. After a hesitant nod, the younger boy smiled and steadily turned to begin towards his room.

Leeteuk cleared his throat, catching Yesung’s attention last second. The leader held up a note:
Nice Glasses♥
Yesung smiled, adjusting his glasses before walking to his room. Leeteuk sighed rolling his tired shoulders and releasing some of his pent up tension. This was the very last thing he wanted to do right now. He picked up his pen, moving the papers until he found a nice clean sheet and began writing:

Choi Siwon,
I need your help, Urgent conditions require you to take my place tonight. Please call when you have time to speak. I will support you and the Juniors back home. Super Junior, Fighting! Thank you,
p.s. I love you…

He examined the short note for a long time, going back over it a million times to make sure he did not sound cheesy or anything stupid like that. Not that he ever would. The leader, still in his pajamas, took his note and extra papers to move to the lounge couch releasing a long sigh as he settled into the warm fabric. He leaned over to pull out a large fleece blanket from under the side table, curling up inside of it before closing his eyes to think. He and Siwon had been in a relationship for nearly a year now and with twenty nine other curious ears it had proven very difficult to keep a secret.

Since day one there had been an unusual spark between the two; Leeteuk being the handsome, angelic almost perfect leader while Siwon was the equally handsome physically stronger competition. Over time, the intimidation Leeteuk felt from the other disappeared and the two started to become very close. In fact they almost shared in a subconscious way the leadership over Super Junior. However, it had become more than a friendship over a few years’ time. For one, during a talk show appearance, Leeteuk has noticed his hyung sitting much closer to his than usual with one arm draped on the couch behind the leader’s shoulders but there was no feeling of anxiety or awkwardness although, maybe even, a spark of attraction.

Being the leader, Park Jung Su always had to be the strong one who was: always happy, never expressing emotions in public, easy to talk to, fearless, and the most understanding listener. Not one other group member could equal him in these fields; no one to equally listen, comfort, organize and hold one safely…well, so far as they knew. Upon random chance, after a horribly wretched day, Leeteuk had walked  into their Hotel nestled in the heart of Hong Kong ahead of all of the other members except Siwon, Henry and Eunhyuk. Siwon had been the only one at the hotel who was still awake at that point and had caught the exhausted, frustrated look on Jung Su’s face. Leeteuk easily gushed his issues to the younger man after they had moved themselves to the balcony. The leader had been crying, trembling with anger…and Siwon listened and responded. Comforted and gave him advice on how to fix the problem. None of these though mattered most; what had mattered most was that Siwon had held him. At the time, it had felt so strange. Leeteuk had been so used to holding the others in his arms but never did he imagine what it felt like to be held. In that moment, he had never felt any safer or warmer than he did, happy in the comforting silence Siwon had created for them. Through that tender silence, he could almost hear the strong baritone voice telling him everything was going to be okay…

After that things began to click between the two of them. More trading of affections, from as small as an occasional smile being seen from across the room to as noticeable as leaning against Siwon’s shoulder while holding one of his hands. That smile that made his heart flutter; Siwon’s ever affectionate grin with his sweet dimples and his eyes that glimmered with unrequited happiness. Sometimes he envied the other man and questioned why he was the leader, older or not. Physically, Siwon had him beat; in personality Siwon had always been humble and shy. In character and morals, he was genuine; his people skills far surpassed his own and when it came to appearances…beautiful, even then not a truly fitting term. Leeteuk sighed, realizing how long he had just been thinking about the other man.
How he missed Siwon’s affections…especially now after 3 weeks of torture.
He squirmed out from under his blanket to breathe, looking out the glass windows in the lounge to their sister building…where he was. He had half of a mind to go over there now and ask why he had been acting so shady and distant for the past couple of weeks. It had been a week alone since he had physical contact with Siwon, a simple hug was the last thing the two did. Siwon had told Leeteuk that he was waiting for the right person to kiss so usually a hug was as far as it went with them, maybe a rare cheek peck. Leeteuk snapped out of his daydream-like state when he heard someone approaching him, hiding in his blanket.

“Leeteuk-hyung!” Kibum’s voice sounded, sweet as usual. Leeteuk peeked out from under his blanket, eyes heavy.

“What is it?” he rasped, realizing he should be writing as Yesung told him instead of talking. Kibum stared wide-eyed, making a disgusted face at the sound of Leeteuk’s voice. He ripped the blanket off of his leader.

“Your voice sounds terrible,” Kibum muttered.

“What do you want?” the leader asked impatiently.

“Well,” the younger began, kneeling beside the couch, “Yesung is still busy preparing for the concert and he told Kangin and I about this morning’s situation. He was going to ask Kangin to deliver your note but, well, I knew he would look at it and I know how you like to keep it personal…” Kibum disregarded the look of utter shock on Leeteuk’s pale face, inwardly chuckling. “So, I decided since I do not have a concert to attend to, I will take the note to Siwon, okay? Where is it?” he asked. Relief flooded over the leader as he sat up, rummaging through the stack of blank papers until he found the neatly folded note. He handed it to Kibum with a grateful nod. The young singer smiled and made his way toward the front door, pausing once he grabbed hold of the knob. “You do not have to worry hyung,” he consoled, turning to smile that mirthfully warm smile at his leader. “your secret is safe with me.” Leeteuk felt his chest cripple in fear, eyes wide. How did he-…?

Kibum chuckled softly, winking at Leeteuk before heading out of the door to deliver the message. Leeteuk grunted, picking up the blanket Kibum took from him before cocooning himself inside, grumbling indistinguishable words of frustration. He could not help but how Kibum knew…however, he trusted Ki’. The boy was not one for hurting other people’s feelings or starting rumors. He did not enjoy messing with other’s personal lives. Within the hour, Leeteuk wished Yesung luck, thanking him for telling manager about his situation.

“Now, stay here Leeteuk, try not to move around too much and rest okay? We need your voice back as soon as possible.” Yesung remarked while putting in his last cross earring. The eldest nodded with a half grin, turning his eyes down to the floor. Dolor obscured his head, a forlorn look taking over his posture.  Yesung’s countenance changed from concern to compassionate, an affectionate kiss placed upon Leeteuk’s forehead. “Listen, I know you want to perform really bad but you cannot do everything. Rest well. We will be back before you know it,” he voiced, gesturing for: Henry, Shindong, Sungmin and Kyuhyun to follow. Sungmin passed him a sympathetic look before closing the door behind the group.

“Man I miss those days of early mic checks and concerts.” Kangin chuckled from across the room.

“Yah,” Leeteuk sighed, acing himself down on the couch. Kibum half grinned, moving himself to Kangin, grabbing the man’s thick arm.
“Kangin, maybe we should leave him be…he seems pretty distressed by this whole situation…” he breathed, eyes flicking towards the bedroom hall. Kangin looked to their leader, hesitantly nodding.

“Fine.” He expressed curtly, picking himself up and walked to his room. Kibum turned last second, his tenderhearted nature keeping him in place and rendering him unable to move forward any farther from his saddened friend. He turned, mulling the idea over in his head. But, with graceful strides, he shifted over towards the ill hearted man pulling a chair over with him. The silence was so heavy it was choking, the sorrowful aura even heavier. Like a mother consoling her child, Kibum extended his hand, caressing Leeteuk’s sandy hair with feather soft strokes of his rough digits. A sympathetic sigh escaped him. Kibum crooned softly, trying his best to appease Jung Su’s shattered spirit. Without warning, he felt Leeteuk’s shoulders rise and fall.

He was crying.

Silently venting the anguish he felt on the inside.

“I have so much on my mind.” Leeteuk choked out at first, the sound of his voice barely audible. The elder had flipped onto the left side of his body so that he was able to look into Kibum’s understanding eyes. Compassion and pity dripped from every tender caress of Kibum’s hands, occasionally weaving his fingers into his friend’s dusky hair to smooth over his skull.

“What is going on?” he soothed, voice soft as silk.

“So much…there is so much unknown. About  if manager Lee is upset or not, about the future, about the concert-,”
“About Siwon then..” Kibum cut the elder short, knowing the other options were simply excuses to try and cover what was truly bothering the man. At first, Leeteuk said nothing. Tears stained his flushed cheeks, his eyes red and a little swollen. “Leeteuk, you are not fooling me. Telling me lies will only waste time and be a pointless effort to throw me off.”

“I know, it’s just- I am enjoying the peace of my private relationship with Siwon. It is so hard hiding it from the group and… I do not know what has been wrong with him recently.” Leeteuk whimpered, a sniveling wreck. Kibum used his thumb to draw the tears from his leader’s eyes, kneeling beside the couch listening intently to his broken hearted friend. “No matter how many times I call him or text him I get nothing. He does not give me those sweet smiles during our scheduled shows, or the glances that told me he was eager to see me when the appointments were over. Now he looks so serious and rapt in contemplation like I am not even there anymore. I miss him Kibum, I miss my Siwon.” Leeteuk keened while choking off a miserable sob. It was an unforgiving sound, one that made Kibum’s stomach wrench. It was like hearing a child cry when they lost their mother; congested sobs coupled with ragged breathing, a rueful sight. To see the strength their leader one had dissipate with each tear that fell from his solemn, distant eyes.

Kibum stood, using his arms to sit Leeteuk up temporarily as he settled himself behind the other male. He eased the leader down onto his thigh, pulling the blanket back over Leeteuk’s trembling shoulders before resuming in stroking ‘Teuk’s dusky hair. There were several counts of a comfortable silence; Leeteuk cried out all of his pent up angers and fears while Kibum reassured him through consoling gestures. When the tears stopped flowing, Park Jung Su noticed  how unbearably heavy  and exhausted his body was, eyes red and cheeks stained with wet trails. Trying to gain control of his breathing proved difficult, ragged heaves and sharp intakes of air hurting more than they helped. But the steady sensation of Kibum’s hand stroking his back with a slow, even pace aided the leader in finding his breathing rhythm again the first couple of intakes long and deep in sound and nature.

“Better?” Kibum hushed, his eyes soft.
“A little”
“Well, you know what I think?”
“Maybe, he needs you just as badly. Maybe his thoughts are really getting to him, so much so that he is subconsciously isolating himself. And while I do not doubt Siwon is strong, he too is only a human. Maybe he is aching for someone to listen to him or, another theory,  maybe he is simply planning something secret”
“But, why would he keep that from me? From Everybody?”

“The same reason why you two hide your relationship. Maybe it is an important secret to him and he is just currently wrapped up in it. I do not think he is intentionally ignoring you hyung. In fact,  I think it is equally torturous.” Kibum finished, placing a firm hand on Leeteuk’s shoulder.

“Then why would he not tell me? Why is he keeping secrets and leaving me in the dark if he ‘misses’ me so much?”
Kibum sighed, mulling it over inside of his head for a few seconds, chuckling when he found his answer.

“Have you seen you guys’ schedule? He probably does not have much time with this new album release to pull you aside. Now, I am not using this as an excuse; in all honesty I do not know why he is doing what he does,” he noted, raising an eyebrow. Leeteuk nodded, resting he cheek back on Kibum’s thigh. There was more silence as the two thought about their own  different things.

Leeteuk hesitated for a second, swallowing dryly.

“Do you-..Do you think, maybe, that Siwon is…is cheating on me?” he voiced his worst fear shakily, heart sinking at the thought of Choi holding someone else.
Kibum burst out into a loud laugh, throwing his head back uncontrollably. Leeteuk lifted his chin from the boy’s thigh, glaring upward at him with a look as if to say ‘It’s a serious question…’.

“Seriously? Leeteuk come on. Siwon would, no, could never do something so stupid and hurtful. He is too gentle and too much of a gentleman to do something like that.” Leeteuk looked up at the reassuring smile on the boy’s face, still feeling a bit uneasy.

“Yeah…” he echoed. Kibum looked down at the other, running his fingers over satin soft hair.

“You know what, I have an idea. The only way this problem will be resolved is if you two talk it out right?” Leeteuk cocked his head, a baffled expression crossing his face. “So,  we both know where he is right now, correct? We should go and-,”

“Kibum, Yesung told me to stay here and-“

“I know what Yesung said hyung. Also he said no talking and as far as I can see you are not obeying that. Listen, as much as they need your voice they are nothing without their leader’s spirit. How will they have that when your spirit is broken?” Kibum asked, a genuine concern coating his voice. Leeteuk looked down, as cheesy as it was, Kibum was right.

“Alright,” he began, eyes slowly making their way up to Kibum’s, “You’re right.” Kibum smiled, helping ‘Teuk sit up as he removed himself from the couch. “Ki’. I am going to need your help. You drive yah?” he asked, standing shakily. Kibum nodded.

“Yah, but first you may want to change your attire a little. I do not think pajamas would fly within the eyes of the public.” Kibum suggested with a humored smile. Leeteuk blushed a little, looking down at what he was wearing. Quickly Kibum turned, scaling the steps into the kitchen, grabbing his keys and placing them in his jeans pocket. He flipped his hair from his eyes, using his fingers, his multiple wristbands and rings jingling. “Just tell me when you are ready okay?” he said, putting on his Osiris shoes and setting himself on the chair near the front door. Leeteuk nodded, dropping the blanket before half walking, half running to his room. He slammed the door shut, breathing in hard, a new fire in his chest. The possibility that he may see Siwon in a few hours was overwhelming. After a few weeks of almost no contact with him…it was all too real. He closed his eyes with a long sigh, removing his shirt before shifting towards his closet. He knew Kibum was right when he said to be aware of the paparazzi but…right now they were not who he wanted to impress.

               He put on a pair of Kalvin Klien boxers followed by his sky blue and white jeans that were a size too big to give it a baggier feel. He thumbed through hangers until his found his and Siwon’s favorite shirt. A black t-shirt that conformed to his chiseled abdomen and chest with white trim on the ends of the short sleeves and the neckline; a white eagle was placed in the very corner of his left pectoral muscle near his distinguishable collarbones. Moving onward to belts, he chose a white belt with silver bullet studs, dressing his feet with a pair of black and white airwalks, tucking in the laces. He placed many different wristbands and bracelets on his lower arms, staying within the black, white, and silver color range while putting in his silver cross earrings, examining himself in the mirror. He finished himself with a scented body spray, his favorite and a white hooded jacket, sighing once more. ‘God, if you are there like he says you are…please. Let everything work out for the best. Let him still be in love with me and make his words truthful and nothing more.’ He prayed silently before snatching a pen and small pad of paper, making his way out of his room.

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Is there any other chapter for this one?

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